At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual
later discovered to be a public school teacher was
arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a
slide rule and a calculator. At a morning press
conference, Attorney General Holder said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious
al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI
with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Holder said. "They
desire average solutions by means and extremes, and
sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute
value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y'
and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have
determined they belong to a common denominator of
the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to
say, 'there are three sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama
said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons
of math instruction, He would have given us more
fingers and toes".